The Heffalump

Ready to make excuses – even for DuBose


Posted by Ben on August 21, 2010

I heard it was coming but didn’t really process it. I always felt like To Wong Fu was the party that your parents threw for you and Pricilla Queen of the Desert was the party you threw when your parents were out of town. MLS is To Wong Fu. I think that the EPL will take soccer from meh to viewed. It’s a better product than we are used to in the US and now it’s on ESPN. You will watch. You have to. It’s on in bars. You have 367 channels. Tune to TBS. TNT. NBC. You can’t can you. (no question mark, it’s more of a statement). Now tune to ESPN. See. You will watch.

P.S. I am not… not that there’s anything wrong with it.


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Well, I didn’t get to it on Tuesday…

Posted by Ben on August 21, 2010

But I do want to get to that Beekeeper profile. As to Arkansas, I think they’re this years Ole Miss. Mallet had gaudy numbers last year but only when playing the bully. He never broke 40% completion against the top four defenses on their schedule. 7 points vs. Bama + 9,342,457 points vs. Arkansas State = avg. that makes national pundits throw up “darkhorse” all over various media.

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AP rankings are out

Posted by Ben on September 15, 2008

   Hell yeah!/Oh Crap! We broke the top 10. This is great/can’t be good. We have proven that we are a legitimate SEC Championship contender/ We are going to be exposed for having no depth when we finally meet a real opponent and then ridiculed until Beekeeper loses his voice. 
   The list follows with SEC teams in bold. Not that I think that you, kind reader, don’t know who is in the SEC. Rather because it looks cool when you visually highlight the number of SEC teams in the top 10. Commentary, although mine, is in italics and infallible.

  1. USC – All our base etc. If you haven’t heard about them before, take notice now. Definately on the Heffalump’s “Rising Stars” list.
  2. Oklahoma – This team looks as good as I’ve ever seen them look. That will make it so much more confusing when, enevitably, a  preposterously outmanned oh-lets-say-Colorado-with-a-wink-but-it-could-be-anyone knocks them out of the championship game and sends them to a still impressive BCS bowl that… well, y’know. 
  3. Georgia – Will this team be able to rehab/make bail in time for the tough schedule ahead?
  4. Florida – I picked them to win it all this year and see no reason other than a brutal schedule, an entrenched #1 and #2 team, and a questionable (but I’m betting on them) secondary.   
  5. Missouri – No idea. They always play when a game I want to see more is on so I only see them when my game is in a tv time out. If they can maintain their commercial break form on offense they might go places.
  6. LSU – “O Harvard…”
  7. Texas –  I like being able to fully embrace a Muschamps’ D. “Boom!”
  8. Wisconsin – So boring… Can;/t findgs sajgfisanvjnnnnnnnnnn zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… That’s not fair at all and I’m big enough to admit it. They bore me. 
  9. Alabama – We are not necessarily back although this time is different because STOP! Just sit back and see. It’s better than I expected already.
  10. Auburn – The offense, as advertised, does unexpected things. Most Auburn fans would agree.
  11. Texas Tech – OppositeofWisconsinineveryway.Haveyouseenthemplay?Theythrowandthrowandthenwhenthedefenseisonthefieldyoucangetmorecoffeewhichyouneedtokeep upbecausesoontheywillthrowandthrowagain.. 
  12. South Florida – No interest to me. Except the mustache.
  13. Ohio State – This is about right. Finally
  14. BYU – 59-0 vs. UCLA. Tennessee has a raging case of herpes.
  15. East Carolina – Jury still out, although it is a friendly jury for making Tulane look respectable to the national audience.
  16. Penn State – Syracuse is still Syracuse. I guess they exceeded expectations.
  17. Oregon – I know that they struggled against Perdue, but they should be higher. Jet lag you see.
  18. Wake Forest – This is ACC FOOTBALL!
  19. Kansas – I lost faith when they lost to USF.
  20. Utah – Um… sure.
  21. West Virginia – I thought that was a great story last year when they found that Mr. Right had been right there all along.
  22. Illinois – Not really worth a comment.
  23. Clemson – Yes! Higher and higher.
  24. Florida State – For the love of… really?
  25. Fresno State – Am I wrong because I want these guys to sputter and admit that last year’s success was all Mac at OC?

       Not sure if I’ll get a post off tomorrow. It’s an odd day at work and I’m still trying to sort out my new responsibilities. I’d like to put up a news recap and I’m thinking of a preview of Arkansas as well as a psychological profile of Beekeeper. Hopefully , if not tomorrow, I’ll have them all by Tuesday.

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Yeah, but what does all this have to do with me

Posted by Ben on September 14, 2008

      tOSU loses. They drop. Auburn beats a safety by one point. They should drop. Georgia valiantly does what Vandy did better. Do they drop? Or if you misunderstood the antecedant, do they rise?
      Frenso State really screwed up a few (I use “few” rather than “couple” for a reason… more on that in the next parenthetical) things for the serenity seeking fan. First of all they could have taken Wisconsin out of the top ten thus insuring that two top ten teams lose. That would mean we get to be a top ten team even if the voters latch on to an undeserving but plucky midteen/lowtwenty ranking team like USF and jumps them past our undeserving but plucky sweet spot, we are still in the top ten (Penn State is getting too cute for comfort… I promised an explaination of the “few” thing in this parenthetical but I’m not ready… wait for it.) Second, a loss to Wisconsin would drop Wisconsin in the polls and rob tOSU a chance to beat a highly ranked opponent other than the pluckily looming Penn State and thus giving them no possibility of a quality win; ergo no poll jump and no boring #1 vs. #2 game where a ridicoulously talented tOSU team that has fallen asleep over the course of a milquetoast season meets a gauntlet forged monster from the SEC. For the sake of rigidly logical sports fandom, I can not simultainiously ridicule tOSU for winning against nobodies to “earn” a perfect record and praise the SEC for “winning” national championships against the same undeserving foil. The SEC can beat Oklahoma. They can beat us too. The SEC might get really, really lucky against USC. We might risk embarassment. At least it would be a game.
      (I almost forgot the promised parenthetical. At work we had an arguement over the definition of the word “few.” One said that few meant more than a couple, nough said. Another said that the word “few” meant three once in the incunabular days of language and only three. The most authoritative reference we had at hand, and still have, is an annotated OED. It gives the definition as being “not many, hardly any” and other definitions subjective to a preannounced assumption. I like the idea of “few” having once meant a specified amount. It seems tidy. If you – the one reader I have – or anyone you know can shed light on the subject I would be grateful.)
      I Look for Alabama to be #9 tomorrow with tOSU dropping to the midteens, Auburn falling to #12 or so, and Wisconsin moving to number #8. I feel like we deserve to be about number #15 but until the preseason ranking mistakes shake out we get to be last years South Carolina. I hope we finish better than they did.

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Duke wife gets her moment

Posted by Ben on September 14, 2008

…and not in basketball. Before a record crowd (researched and witnessed in below video) the Blue Devils get return on their souls as former Tennessee Subcommandante Cutcliff disappoints my poor departed grandfather who, in retirement, loved walking a mile from his Annapolis home to watch his beloved Navy play at neighboring Navy-Marine Corps Stadium. He believed.

     I gave up watching about thirty seconds into this so beware, there may be nudity or offensive language near or after the mid-late-beginning. If there is, let me know.

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ESPN Pet Peeve #56

Posted by Ben on September 14, 2008

Dear Commentators who should be called Commenters,

Stop calling it a rock. It’s a football. Calling it rock doesn’t give you street cred. You went to college (tOSU, yes, yes, we know.) You wear a suit to work. Hell some of you wear that creepy three button European military style three button suit. If it’s an insecurity thing, meet us halfway and call it a “footrock.” I’m cool (see how I use the kiddie lingo too sometimes) with that.

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As posted at Trackem Tigers

Posted by Ben on September 14, 2008

This is me being sympathetic. I don’t hate Auburn. I have friends that are Auburn fans. It’s not like it’s Tennessee. There, i said it. It’s like an olive branch.

I am an Alabama fan…

…for those of you still willing to read, an Alabama fan who started rooting for Auburn around the mid ninties until the last game of the season. The reason being that I thought that destroying a perfect season for you guys would be better than piling on to a losing program. It’s hard to follow a team without coming to admire/like them. I am currently somewhere between “love to hate” and “remind myself not to root for you even though your loss would benefit Alabama,” like tonight. If I may make a few observations from the outside:
1) Auburn always ticks off it’s fan base in the beginning of the season without seriously damaging the seasons prospects, then you start upsetting other fan bases. By the end of the season all children born to Auburn fans between the months of November and December are named Tommy (Tommina?)
2) You are running an offense without the necessary personel. That doesn’t mean it will never work, just that it isn’t currently working. Don’t say “Kodi.” A spread qb needs to be able to pass and throw to keep defenses guessing. Todd can pass (in a floaty let everyone get a good long look at the pretty ball in the air sort of way) and Kodi can run (but why would you run a qb with the best stable of running backs in the nation behind him or to his left or wherever they line up in the spread.) A can’t do B and B can’t do A. The defenses aren’t guessing. I think the spread is a mistake, but hey that’s me. Auburn was ranked in the 90s out of 119 in offense last year with a traditional offense and are making a change to a totally different scheme with guys not suited to its intricacies. Don’t expect much early on. You had a good game against Clemson in last years bowl game. But they had no film to watch, no idea what to expect and you still had to go to overtime. And, speaking of Clemson, we exposed them pretty easily (insert La-Monroe joke here.) So the spread, even though I think it’s a mistake, takes time to learn, and a certain type of player before it can be utilized to optimum effect. Ask Michigan.
3) You beat Mississippi State. We haven’t done that in two years. You didn’t last year. Be happy.
4) The Auburn defense is loaded. You have amazing speed, size, discipline, and quite a number of guys with dreadlocks. If there is one thing I have noticed over the past six Iron Bowls it is that Auburn repeatedly sends speedy big guys to our backfield and when they are on the sidelines being congratulated for ripping the spine out of Brodie or JPW they are sporting dreads.
        So while the I saw just the final 20 minutes or so and those twenty minutes include two fumbles and the qb running into the tailback, I wouldn’t be too down. Tubberville has been eulogized as often as Bama has been back. What I would be down about is Saban’s recruiting thus far. Last years class included four dreadlocked heads and this years commitment class counts at least two among them. The dreadlocks are shifting. You’ll hear that in your dreams.

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A little wine – Cakebread Cellars

Posted by Ben on February 6, 2008

       One of our reps brought someone from Cakebread Cellars by today. I have been suffering from Cakebread fatigue for the last year. Like Sonoma Cutrer, they have stamped a not entirely undeserved claim to mid range chardonnay superiority. It’s not that I’m tired of being asked if we offer their chard, it’s that I’m tired of the exasperation and surprise on the face of those who reply “but it’s the best.” There are a lot of those people. I’m being a shitfaced snob here because I realize that as a restaurant we want to give people what they want, but I taste 20 – 30 wines a week and have found better, cheaper chards than Cakebread. Cakebread delivers a very nice wine and people have come to accept that the name is synonymous with quality, primarily because of the accolades their high end cabs have garnered. I’m a guy in a tie saying try something you’ve never heard of. Who you gonna trust.
       Anyway, we tried the 06 sauvignon blanc, the 06 Napa chard, and the 04 Napa cab
       The sauv. blanc was the winner. It has a little citrus on the nose and nice fruit throughout. I usually feel that California sauv. blanc falls flat. This does not. The chard was as expected: very good, but not up to the hype. The bottle we tasted was a little warm so I’m expecting that it will be crisper when properly chilled. The cab was overly lactic and bound to dissapoint those who have had the Benchland Select.
       I bought the sauv. blanc and the chard. I’m tired of fighting it. I’m also tired of fighting the urge to write “let them drink Cakebread” no matter how corny it sounds, so I did.

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We got one.

Posted by Ben on February 5, 2008

      Mark Ingram has commited to Alabama. I’m a little busy at work right now, but the Capstone Report put up some info on him this morning.

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Free skoolin’ kids. Come n’ get it.

Posted by Ben on February 5, 2008

        – National signing day eve is upon us and while some are able to overcome the myopia of absurd fandom and focus on what is really important, others are not. currently ranks our recruiting class #3 in the nation and has us at #1. To point out the obvious, we aren’t done yet. Julio Jones and Jarrel Harris look to be strong Bama leaners and Mark Ingram is slated to announce today at 2:30 CST. 
          Assuming we get none of the uncommited players the class is still the best we’ve seen in years. But that’s loser talk. Assuming we get Julio Jones, we send the message to the rest of DIV 1 saying that we have locked down our state. Assuming we get Mark Ingram, we send the message that we are a national recruiter. Excitement abounds. The word “assuming” placed here makes it look less like I have a limited vocabulary and more like I wanted a diagonal line of the same word cutting from left to right through this paragraph. My fellow freemasons understand the code and will begin Pay no attention to it.
          A quick note on the ESPN/Luginbill rankings. On Finebaum yesterday Luginbill says he ranks Bama’s class around #7 or #8 and that even the addition of Julio etc. would not put us at #1 in his eyes. He’s entitled to his opinion and maybe he knows something that I don’t. That being said, this business of ranking is speculative. In the wine world there are at least one or two wines per year that are ranked 98+ by two of the big three (Parker, Tanzer, and Wine Spectator) and then given a moderate-we-don’t-see-what-the-big-deal-is score by the third. The idea is to call attention to yourself and appear more decerning/knowledgeable than your peers in a subjective exercize. No one can ever say you are wrong. It’s not fair to assume that that is what he’s doing. I don’t know the guy and don’t mean to disparage him, even though by mentioning this possibility I am tarring him. I just want everyone to acknowledge the astonishing Sabanation taking place in Tuscaloosa. Forget I said anything. He’s great.

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